April 19, 2006

I was not consulted.

Filed under: celebrities — Alex @ 3:05 am

(AP) BOSTON — The voice of the AFLAC duck has been named the Unsexiest Man in the World.

gilbert2.gifComedian Gilbert Gottfried tops the list compiled by the Boston Phoenix's website. The list is a mix of entertainers, sports stars, even terrorists. Osama bin Laden is number eight on the list.

Others on the unsexy list include Michael Jackson, Jerry Seinfeld, Ron Howard, Clay Aiken and Britney Spears' husband Kevin Federline. He ranks 99th.

Sneaking in at No. 100 is Brad Pitt. He made the list because of rumors about bad hygiene.

Alex Says:  The problem with this kind of poll is that the public is insanely stupid.  They don't know any celebrities except the biggest of the big, and even then don't think about the truly horrific.  For example, I would've nominated Burt Reynolds in his current state:

Burt Reynolds

Or maybe George Jones:

George Jones

Or Earl Leaf, author of a book about the Beatles:

Beatles author Earl Leaf

Hey, these are just suggestions.

The Organic Jesus

Filed under: religion, alex — Alex @ 2:49 am

Alex Says:  When I begin a paragraph with the word "So," it often means that there is no smooth segue into the point I'm about to make.  For instance, "So, I know this guy who doesn't have any thumbs and knows the exact running time of every movie he's ever seen."  We'll call it the Non Sequitor So.  My little way of shaking the verbal Etch-a-Sketch.

That being said… SO, the town in which I currently live can only support two health food stores.  One is a bit of a tie-dyed freak show that's located near the college campus, trying to blow kids' minds with their mystical incense and hummus.  It's small, has a horrible selection, and is congested with filthy hippies.

I'm therefore stuck with Plan B: The Baptist health food store.  It's definitely a better-run business, but is so "in yo face" with the Baptistness that it's an unpleasant shopping experience.  I confess, I unintentionally find myself wearing my most profane t-shirts when I visit, clearly some deep psychological attempt to fight back.

colbert.gifI don't mind the Dr. Don Colbert crap everywhere so much, even though he's a lunatic (his posters/books have largely replaced Dr. Weil's in the store).  Posters, racks of crosses/Bibles, whatever, that's all fine; it's the goddamn STAFF that quickly irritates me.  All of the cashiers are Christian youth group types, decked out in Christian rock band shirts and such.  They know nothing of the merchandise, they're slow on the job, and they make me want to battle the Woodstockers over at the other store.

It seems so contradictory, mixing organic dog treats and The Lord.  I haven't researched the demographics, but Baptists aren't known for their desire to eat healthy.  In fact, as someone who's grown up in the South surrounded by Baptists, I'd go so far as to say they're unhealthy fat-asses.  Similarly, the customers in this store seem to be of the non-Baptist variety; I always see the owner of my favorite Indian (Bengali, technically) restaurant, for instance, and I don't imagine him tithing to the Baptists.  The clientele I've observed have been primarily A) gay/lesbian, B) Wiccan/vegetarian types, and C) old, old, old, old people.  The old people are usually buying vitamin supplements, so I suppose they could be the entire Baptist Base.

That strong "I need my pills to stay alive"smirk.gif following might explain the newest employee.  They've hired this kid who's taken the Baptist undertones up a notch by wearing much more explicit clothing.  While most of the cashiers are wearing t-shirts for some Christian band that I've never heard of, this guy is sporting the far more annoying & ridiculous t-shirt that says "Ask me about Easter."  Or, my favorite, "Kneeling is good for your standing."  You're not the one-sentence-sermon sign in front of a church, dude.  You make minimum wage bagging frozen free-range buffalo meat for a sodomite (me) at a health food store. 

He always has slight condescending smirk on his face, too, which is especially delightful to me because he is also very, very, very gay.  Baptist Gay, as it's known.  I hope that smirk is branded on when he's roasting in his Baptist Hell after getting AIDS from a truck stop glory hole.

I miss the good ol' days, when these people just came to your house and rang the bell.  "Let's discuss Salvation!  Yay!"  At least then you could turn them away.  I'm forced to keep going back for more; at least, if I want my soy cheese frozen pizzas.  Soy cheese frozen pizzas… blessed by the Lord.

April 16, 2006

Rather than go on the defensive, try the offensive.

Filed under: idiots, government, iraq, republicans — Alex @ 3:56 am


zm.gifALEXANDRIA, Virginia (Reuters) - September 11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui said on Thursday he had no regrets for those who died in the hijacked plane attacks and told jurors in his death penalty trial he wished "there would be more pain." In comments that brought at least one relative of a victim to tears, Moussaoui mocked survivors of the attacks who had told the court of their pain and said he would like to see similar attacks against Americans every day.

Alex Says:  At this point, he clearly either A) wants to die and is hoping to piss off a jury, or B) is just bat shit insane.  Either way, that's exactly why he SHOULDN'T be given the death sentence.  America's frantic desire to kill someone, anyone for 9/11 (other than half the population of Iraq) has gotten out of hand.

Plus, crazy or not, couldn't he prove useful in the future? He could ID people we've never seen, decode messages, whatever. And since he clearly seems to be off his nut, why don't we just get him some help? If we cure his craziness, he could be a priceless asset.

Or, we could kill him. Yes, clearly, that's the only sane option.

Johnny Hates Spaz

Filed under: idiots, celebrities — Alex @ 3:39 am

(Alex Says:  See, the previous post mentioned Frankie Goes to Hollywood in the title, so… Johnny Hates Jazz… nevermind.)

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Tiger Woods has apologized for comments he made during a television interview after the U.S. Masters at Augusta National Golf Club on Sunday. 

The American world number one, who tied for third place three strokes behind winner Phil Mickelson, was criticized for using the term "spaz" to describe his poor putting in the final round.


"Tiger meant nothing derogatory to any person or persons and apologises for any offence caused," Woods's agent Mark Steinberg said in a statement issued on the player's official website.

Bidding for a fifth green jacket at Augusta, Woods produced a display of uncharacteristically shaky putting on his way to a closing two-under-par 70.

He took 33 putts in the final round, including three three-putts and a pair of missed eagle putts from inside 10 feet on the back nine. Mickelson took 29 putts in a closing 69.

When asked about his play on the last day at Augusta, Woods replied: "I putted atrociously today. Once I got on the greens, I was a spaz."

In several countries, "spaz" is an offensive term for people affected with spastic paralysis, a form of cerebral palsy.

Britain-based disability organization Scope, formerly The Spastics Society, said of Woods's comments: "Once again, Tiger Woods demonstrates that we are two nations divided by a common language.

"Although in the U.S. the term "spaz" may not be as offensive as it is here in the UK, many disabled people here will have taken exception to his likening a golf stroke to that of 'a spaz'.

"UK disability charity Scope is confident that Tiger Woods would be devastated to learn that something he said could offend his fans, disabled or non-disabled."

Wood's remark drew little attention in the U.S. where "spaz" is a slang term for someone considered clumsy or inept.

spastic1.gifAlex Says:  First off, "The Spastics Society" would be a kick-ass name for a bar or a band.  Just throwing that out there. The Spazzes really need to quit spazzing out on me.  Toughen up.  You're spazzy.  Get over it.  Tiger didn't say, "I'm putting like a goddamn retard-o spaz from the United Kingdom's Spastics Society."  They even acknowledge that in the U.S. "spaz" isn't meant in an offensive way, but still threw a hissy.  Seems to be a desperate plea for attention from SpazLand.

Plus, consider this:  Take the membership of their little Spazzy Club there, and then reduce that to the number that actually care about golf.  Then, take that number and calculate how many are honestly offended by the comment.  I'm saying that four people on the planet were offended by "spaz," and that those four need to quit bitchin'.  Not my fault you're a spaz.

Taxing My Nerves

Filed under: government, iraq — Alex @ 3:10 am

USA Today.com - Like most Americans, Peter Smith and his wife, Ellyn Stecker, sit down each year to fill out a federal tax form. Then they write a check to the U.S. Treasury for half the sum in the "amount you owe" box.
They are among thousands of Americans who refuse to pay part or all of their federal taxes as a protest against war and military spending. "It takes two things to fight a war: people and money," says Smith, 67, a retired math and computer science teacher. "I can't refuse anymore to go, but I certainly can refuse to send the money."

The National War Tax Resistance Coordinating Committee says about 10,000 people "resist" paying taxes. The group plans demonstrations in Washington and 24 states Monday against the  Iraq war.

Alex Says:  As someone who vehemently opposes the Iraq War, I find this particular tactic to be utterly retarded.  When the I.R.S. nails you for tax evasion–not for "passive resistance" or some noble cause, but for goddamn tax evasion–you deserve their wrath.  Find a productive, legal way to protest; write a Congressman, sign a petition, vote.  We're borrowing the money for the war anyway, so your grandiose act does nothing but get you audited.

You dipshit.

Frankie Goes to Hollywood… Then Leaves. In a Car.

Filed under: celebrities — Alex @ 3:06 am

ABC News Radio — Frankie Muniz  has a new Formula — and it's not the type you'll see on a primetime sitcom.

The 20-year-old "Malcolm in the Middle" star has applied the breaks to his acting career, at least temporarily, to race for Jensen Motorsport in the Formula BMW competition.


Muniz, who has been acting since he was eight, recently wrapped up the final episode of the Fox TV comedy, and he insists that he's not going to dabble part-time in the sport.

"I got signed to Jensen Motorsport for two years, so once the show is done, I'm just going to be doing that full-time," Muniz tells ABC News Radio.

Alex Says:  First of all, that's just stupid.  Every aspect.  Period.

Secondly, what's up with this picture?  Doesn't he look kinda odd/creepy/freaky?  We've got another Todd Bridges in the making.  Criswell Predicts that Frankie will see the inside of a jail cell within two years.

April 15, 2006

Italian sausage. Or, sausage-less. Or… uhh…

Filed under: government, gay — Alex @ 2:21 am
vladimir.gifGay & Lesbian Leadership SmartBrief - The victories of five LGBT candidates in this week's Italian elections have contributed to Prime Minister-designate Romano Prodi's win over incumbent Silvio Berlusconi. Cabaret performer Vladimir Luxuria, for example, is believed to be the first transsexual elected to a European parliament.

Alex Says:  In related news, Pope Benedict has now declared war on Italy.

What do they mean, "BELIEVED to be" the first transsexual elected?  Either there's some very bad record-keeping going on, or else the jury's still out on whether Vladimir is a transsexual.

Regardless, it's nice to see Italy come back to the fold.  Now if Canada would just rise up against Stephen Harper…

April 14, 2006

The Weekend Download!

Filed under: downloads, republicans — Alex @ 2:05 am

Video of the live outburst that got Robert Novak fired from CNN.  Clip courtesy of Media Matters.  Remind yourself why Bob Novak is a cranky old bitch here.  QuickTime MOV, 5.88 meg.

The Weird Bush Photo of the Week

Filed under: george w. bush — Alex @ 1:53 am
April 13, 2006

Pardon the delay…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Alex @ 11:31 pm

Alex Says:  …I was just waiting for Google to index us.  Now that we're officially appearing in search results, we'll see about doin' some postin', nnnnkay?