March 24, 2006

He’s either stubborn, or really unfortunate.

Filed under: crime — Alex @ 12:52 am

(AP) PHILADELPHIA — A millionaire jailed for more than a decade for contempt in his divorce case continues to block efforts to trace his missing assets and should remain jailed, a three-judge panel ruled.

H. Beatty Chadwick, 68, is believed to hold the record for time served in a U.S. civil contempt case.

He was jailed in 1995 for allegedly hiding $2.5 million in overseas banks during a bitter divorce. Since then, a series of judges have told him he could go free once he tells the court what happened to the money, but Chadwick hasn't budged, the judges said.

Chadwick, a former corporate lawyer, maintains he lost the money in an overseas investment. Experts say it would now be worth more than $8 million.

Butlan Declares:  But what if the guy's telling the truth?  What if he's just a bad investor? 

Another peculiar photo choice.

Filed under: government, texas — Alex @ 12:40 am

(AP) DALLAS - Young Hurricane Katrina refugees living in Texas scored considerably worse on a statewide standardized exam than Texas children, and thousands of them could be held back.

Another weird Yahoo photo choice

Teachers and state officials blame the low scores on New Orleans' poor school system, the trauma of being abruptly uprooted from their homes, and the possibility that some of them were put in the wrong grade after arriving in Texas with no records.

Alex Says:  Wouldn't someone just… ask the kids?  "What grade were you in?"  "Fourth."  "Uh-huh.  You're going to eighth now."

Once again, Yahoo has chosen a very strange, barely-related photo to run with the story; the subliminal message I receive is "these kids will grow up to be parking lot attendants." 

 

Well… at least it’s not a remake.

Filed under: celebrities, film — Alex @ 12:24 am

From the IMDb News:Samuel L. Jackson

Samuel L. Jackson's new mile-high thriller Snakes On A Plane has created such a buzz among internet film fans, movie bosses have called for re-shoots - to give the film a tougher rating. The film, which stars Jackson as an FBI agent trying to keep a federal witness alive onboard a plane full of snakes, wrapped last September - but went back before the cameras earlier this month for five days of additional shooting. Film bosses at distributor New Line Cinema opted to add new scenes to the film to take the movie from PG-13 into R-rated territory, according to industry magazine The Hollywood Reporter. They claim the second round of filming became necessary after intense and growing fan interest in the film, which is scheduled to be released this summer. Among the reported additions to the film is a foul-mouthed rant from Jackson in which his agent character bellows, "I want these motherf**king snakes off the motherf**king plane!" The line is expected to take on cult status. The film-makers have reportedly added more gore, more deaths, more nudity and more snakes to the finished product.

Alex Says:  First off, it's always painfully obvious when a film intentionally plugs in some material to achieve an R rating.  If Crocodile Dundee had two scenes with Paul Hogan sodomizing crocodiles while screaming "fuckin' barbie!", it'd be obvious that those were an afterthought.

Based on this small nugget of information, I have no idea if the snake movie is SERIOUS or if it's some kind of tongue-in-cheek comedy.  Either way, I confess that it sounds so painfully, deliciously bad that I may have to see it.  You beat me again, Sam.

The Weird Bush Photo of the Week

Filed under: george w. bush — Alex @ 12:10 am
George W. Bush, Mr. & Mrs. Larry King
March 23, 2006

But in hindsight, it’s funny!

Filed under: george w. bush, government — Alex @ 12:16 am
Lucky the Leprechaun
(Reuters) DUBLIN, Ireland - Sinn Fein accused the Bush administration Monday of needlessly harassing officials of the IRA-linked party at airports in the United States, where party leader Gerry Adams was detained last week because he is on the U.S. "watch list."

Adams and his longtime aide, Richard McAuley, were delayed Friday from traveling to Buffalo, N.Y., for a meeting just hours after both Sinn Fein officials were guests of President Bush in the White House for St. Patrick's Day. They missed the flight - and still were missing two suitcases when they returned Monday to Ireland.

Alex Says:  Gee, who DIDN'T see this coming?  White House spokesperson Scott McClellan addressed the issue succinctly: "Neener!"

March 22, 2006

Right-wing “comedy”

Filed under: government — Alex @ 11:39 pm

anti-Hillary Clinton t-shirtAlex Says:  This is a t-shirt being sold by… wait, I don't want to promote them.  Being sold by a crappy online t-shirt store.  In case the image isn't clear enough, it reads "FUCK HILLARY, God knows, she needs it."

What does that even MEAN?  I don't believe it's Hillary promoting abstinence–that'd be our president.  So, fuck him, 'cuz Mr. Chastity Belt needs it?  Wouldn't that make more sense?  Plus, his name is Bush, so it just works better.

And why would anyone think Hillary's not getting plenty of action?  She's married to the ultimate Casanova.  He's got so much love to give, he's got to spread it around–too much for one woman to handle.

Or maybe the point is that she's a bit uptight.  And by "uptight," I mean "focused" and "doing her job" and "taking her responsibilities seriously."  Yeah, fuck that.

From the “Well, Duh” Department

Filed under: idiots — Alex @ 11:19 pm

Dr. Phil: TV IdiotNew research suggests that elderly women who watch daytime soap operas and talk shows are more likely to suffer from cognitive impairment than women who abstain from such fare.

Researchers stress that it's not clear if watching these TV shows leads to weaker brainpower, or vice-versa.

Alex Says:  It's vice-versa.  Trust me.

Want to see me get REALLY belligerent?

Filed under: government, texas — Alex @ 11:13 pm

SAN ANTONIO, Texas (Reuters) - Texas has begun sending undercover agents into bars to arrest drinkers for being drunk, a spokeswoman for the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission said on Wednesday.

The first sting operation was conducted recently in a Dallas suburb where agents infiltrated 36 bars and arrested 30 people for public intoxication, said the commission's Carolyn Beck.

Alex Says:  As one who enjoys "the drink" (no, really!), I find this very disturbing.  More disturbing still was the photo that ran with the Yahoo! News article–I have NOT doctored this:

Yahoo! News entry

The Grass is Always Greener…

Filed under: deaths — Alex @ 10:28 pm

(AP) BATAVIA, Ohio — A man who neighbors say was devoted to his meticulously kept lawn was charged with murder in the shooting of a 15-year-old boy who apparently walked across his yard.

Charles Martin called 911 on Sunday afternoon, saying calmly: "I just killed a kid."

Police, who released the call's contents, said Martin also told the dispatcher: "I've been harassed by him and his parents for five years. Today just blew it up."

Larry Mugrage, whose family lived next door, was shot in the chest with a shotgun. The high school freshman was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Armed gardener Charles SmithMartin, 66, allegedly told police he had several times had problems with neighbors walking on his lawn. He remained jailed without bond Monday. His jailers said no attorney was listed for him.

From a Cincinnati News article:

Union Township police Lt. Scott Gaviglia said Martin told police he was tired of fighting with others who he said were always walking on his lawn. He told police he had several disputes over it with neighbors.

Police said Martin hadn't complained to them about it and the last time he contacted police was 2003, Gaviglia said.

"I wish he would have called us," Gaviglia said. "Maybe this tragedy could have been averted."Crazy old gardener

Mugrage was shot "once, possibly twice" with a deer rifle, Gaviglia said.

Neighbors said Martin lived alone and was quiet, but odd, often sitting outside his house to shoot birds with a BB gun.

From Australia's The Age:

Martin opened fire from his house and then, according to police, walked up to the wounded teen and pulled the trigger again at close range, killing him. Martin has been charged with murder.

Even in a country with a long history of gun violence, the killing of Larry Mugrage in a quiet Cincinnati suburb on Monday stands out as particularly senseless. Martin seems to have been liked in the neat bungalow-lined streets of Union Township, but he appears to have been obsessed with the territorial integrity of his patchy lawn.

Alex Says:  If the crazy old man down the street is sitting in his front lawn shooting birds and screaming to stay off his lawn… let's not push our luck with him, nnnkay?  Particularly when he looks like he does.

And, I might add, I REALLY think all related news articles should be printing photos of the lawn.  And maybe the kid.  'cuz, let's be frank: Some yards are bad-ass, and some kids are shitters.  I'm just saying.

Butlan Declares:  The guy looks like a really dehydrated Willem Dafoe.

March 20, 2006

The Monday Blog Mock

Filed under: blog mocking — Alex @ 8:29 pm

Each Monday, we seek out a random entry on a (usually) random blog and proceed to ridicule it.  Why?  Because most blogs–and all MySpace entries–are boring, self-congratulatory whine-fests.  That's why, bitch. 

This week's post comes to us from this idiot; notice how the tone shifts radically towards the bottom:

 

 

standing in this hallways with 100 open doors. jeez i hope i go into the right room!

just want to say something
i don't say shit about my weight so that ppl will be like omg ur so skinny, i'm not the type of person that fishes for compliments. and how i look is not up for discussion. it doesn't mater what other ppl think. it matters what i think and how ifeel.

I'm not even sure if that means she's a wafer or a fatty.  I'm guessing fatty, because only the hideously obese spew that "doesn't matter what other people think" lie.

and woah. what the fuck do i wanna be when i grow up. i got alota choices. thats pretty fucking awesome. i got too many though. can't i close some doors? come onn it'll be funnnnnnnnnn

Let Uncle Alex help you close some of those pesky doors.  I'd rule out copy-editing, for instance, or being a flight attendant (fatty, remember?).   You like closing doors–have you considered hotel housekeeping?

also, how come i am the girl that guys have to fall in love with. how come i'm not that girl that just gets played. i wouldn't mind having my heart broken…honestly. shit i'm sposed to be doing homework

Don't you worry your swollen little head, Thunder Thighs. I'll wager your day is coming.  I know the thirteen-year-old boys are really beating down the door now–possibly because, being the chunky monkey in your class, you have the largest breasts–but you'll have your heart broken in no time, which will help prepare you for the inevitable heart attack you'll have at 40.  With any luck, you'll also have an illegitimate child so there's always something to remind you of the heartache.