May 23, 2006

The future is coming… and it has some mighty fancy ringtones.

Filed under: religion, gay — Alex @ 3:26 am

From an "American Family Association Action Alert!" email:

A liberal activist judge has struck down a constitutional amendment in Georgia which made homosexual marriage illegal! She felt that she knew better than the voters how they should vote and threw out their ballots.

The homosexuals are determined to win this battle. They know they will never win if the people have an opportunity to vote. So they are turning to liberal activist judges to force their will on the people. They intend to force homosexual marriage down the throats of Americans.

Donald WildmonAlex Says:  I signed up for the AFA emails just to study The Enemy.  I never would've imagined how often they use the violent sodomitic phrase "shove down the throat."  Mind out of the gutter, people.

It's also worth noting how badly the AFA emails are written.  The sentence structure is childish.  Short staccato sentences.  Driving points home.  They hope.  Just like this.

The good news is that Mr. Wildmon (Donald E. Wildmon, "founder and chairman," pictured) is incorrect:  The juggernaut known as The Millenium Babies is about to roll over him.  Any and all polling of the 72 million kids born between 1985 and 2000 shows that they really don't seem to have a problem with gay marriage.  Whether it's because of apathy (why do breeders GIVE a shit?) or common sense (why DO breeders give a shit?) doesn't matter–it's MATH.  Wait a few years, and Fag-Hating Codger will be dead.  His grandson, Ike the Leather Daddy, will be voting instead.

Our Day Will Come.  And when it does, my wedding cake will be in the shape of Mr. Wildmon, so he'll have to watch his worst fears come true.  Then all my gay friends will slice into him and eat his cake-like flesh… with a dab of Liberty Icing. 

Little dab, though.  Don't wanna get fat.

April 19, 2006

The Organic Jesus

Filed under: religion, alex — Alex @ 2:49 am

Alex Says:  When I begin a paragraph with the word "So," it often means that there is no smooth segue into the point I'm about to make.  For instance, "So, I know this guy who doesn't have any thumbs and knows the exact running time of every movie he's ever seen."  We'll call it the Non Sequitor So.  My little way of shaking the verbal Etch-a-Sketch.

That being said… SO, the town in which I currently live can only support two health food stores.  One is a bit of a tie-dyed freak show that's located near the college campus, trying to blow kids' minds with their mystical incense and hummus.  It's small, has a horrible selection, and is congested with filthy hippies.

I'm therefore stuck with Plan B: The Baptist health food store.  It's definitely a better-run business, but is so "in yo face" with the Baptistness that it's an unpleasant shopping experience.  I confess, I unintentionally find myself wearing my most profane t-shirts when I visit, clearly some deep psychological attempt to fight back.

colbert.gifI don't mind the Dr. Don Colbert crap everywhere so much, even though he's a lunatic (his posters/books have largely replaced Dr. Weil's in the store).  Posters, racks of crosses/Bibles, whatever, that's all fine; it's the goddamn STAFF that quickly irritates me.  All of the cashiers are Christian youth group types, decked out in Christian rock band shirts and such.  They know nothing of the merchandise, they're slow on the job, and they make me want to battle the Woodstockers over at the other store.

It seems so contradictory, mixing organic dog treats and The Lord.  I haven't researched the demographics, but Baptists aren't known for their desire to eat healthy.  In fact, as someone who's grown up in the South surrounded by Baptists, I'd go so far as to say they're unhealthy fat-asses.  Similarly, the customers in this store seem to be of the non-Baptist variety; I always see the owner of my favorite Indian (Bengali, technically) restaurant, for instance, and I don't imagine him tithing to the Baptists.  The clientele I've observed have been primarily A) gay/lesbian, B) Wiccan/vegetarian types, and C) old, old, old, old people.  The old people are usually buying vitamin supplements, so I suppose they could be the entire Baptist Base.

That strong "I need my pills to stay alive"smirk.gif following might explain the newest employee.  They've hired this kid who's taken the Baptist undertones up a notch by wearing much more explicit clothing.  While most of the cashiers are wearing t-shirts for some Christian band that I've never heard of, this guy is sporting the far more annoying & ridiculous t-shirt that says "Ask me about Easter."  Or, my favorite, "Kneeling is good for your standing."  You're not the one-sentence-sermon sign in front of a church, dude.  You make minimum wage bagging frozen free-range buffalo meat for a sodomite (me) at a health food store. 

He always has slight condescending smirk on his face, too, which is especially delightful to me because he is also very, very, very gay.  Baptist Gay, as it's known.  I hope that smirk is branded on when he's roasting in his Baptist Hell after getting AIDS from a truck stop glory hole.

I miss the good ol' days, when these people just came to your house and rang the bell.  "Let's discuss Salvation!  Yay!"  At least then you could turn them away.  I'm forced to keep going back for more; at least, if I want my soy cheese frozen pizzas.  Soy cheese frozen pizzas… blessed by the Lord.

April 3, 2006

Tithing in Agony

Filed under: religion — Alex @ 12:52 am

Dirty Priest(AP) WASHINGTON - New figures released Thursday by the nation's Roman Catholic bishops show the unrelenting toll of the clergy sex abuse crisis: 783 new credible claims last year, most of which date back decades, and costs of nearly $467 million.

While researchers who analyzed 50 years of data on molestation claims concluded the number of new cases is declining, the church is still paying a heavy price for predatory clergy.

The abuse problem was already known to have cost dioceses more than $1 billion since 1950, including some expenses paid last year. Still, Teresa Kettelkamp, director of the bishops' Office of Child and Youth Protection, said the total abuse-related expenses shelled out in 2005 were likely the largest ever for a single year.

The total number of accusations against Catholic clergy now stands at more than 12,000 since 1950.

Alex Says:  So, if you're still going to Sunday Mass and giving the Church some of your hard-earned dollars, know that your money is likely going to the hands of children that were sexually abused by your priests.  Which, honestly, is how I'd prefer it.  If you're stubborn enough to stand by the Church in the face of priests with roaming hands (proof that abstinence isn't the best plan) and a Pope with medieval ideas, then you deserve everything you get.  Amen.

March 24, 2006

Nothing new, but nice to have data.

Filed under: religion — Alex @ 3:29 am

Amusing tidbit from

Torture FunCrunching the numbers on a recent Pew poll, [Andrew] Sullivan discovers that 57 percent of the people who describe themselves as "secular" say that torture is either never or rarely justified. Only 49 percent of white Protestants and only 42 percent of Roman Catholics are similarly torture-averse. "In other words," Sullivan says, "if you are an American Christian, you are more likely to support torture than if you are an atheist or agnostic." Sullivan — who has been grappling of late with his own feelings of "shame and sorrow" for errors along the way to Iraq — calls Christians for Torture "a new constituency" and "another part of the Bush legacy."

The loaves & the fishes, via semi.

Filed under: religion — Alex @ 1:14 am

(AP) KINGDOM CITY, Mo. — The billboards out the window in this part of central Missouri advertise rock-bottom prices on adult videos and getaways to the Ozark Mountains. But at the truck stop just off Interstate 70, Chaplain Bob Holt is making another kind of promise to weary truckers: salvation.

For eight years, Holt has led daily services from a converted trailer parked in a truck stop — a place he sees as filled with temptation. And on Thursday, he and fellow missionaries at nearly 100 travel plaza chapels across the country will hold a morning fellowship meeting to celebrate their calling on the seventh annual National Day of Prayer for Truckers.

Truckers for Jesus logo"The devil's trying to keep them from coming in here," said Holt, standing in his modest trailer. 

Holt's sessions start each night at 7 p.m. inside the single-wide trailer, decorated with an airbrushed passage that reads "Jesus said: Come to me all you truckers who are weary and heavy loaded and I will give you rest."

Alex Says:  Is this really what truckers want?  Wouldn't a shower and some sleep be more rewarding?  Can you just send in your prayers via CB?  "Breaker breaker, this is Roscoe hollerin' at the Lord."

And Missouri is just kidding itself if it thinks those adult bookstores are just for truckers.  The local gentry may be at church on Sunday, but I can assure you those dirty old men are in the sex shops on their lunch breaks.