April 19, 2006

The Organic Jesus

Filed under: religion, alex — Alex @ 2:49 am

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Alex Says:  When I begin a paragraph with the word "So," it often means that there is no smooth segue into the point I'm about to make.  For instance, "So, I know this guy who doesn't have any thumbs and knows the exact running time of every movie he's ever seen."  We'll call it the Non Sequitor So.  My little way of shaking the verbal Etch-a-Sketch.

That being said… SO, the town in which I currently live can only support two health food stores.  One is a bit of a tie-dyed freak show that's located near the college campus, trying to blow kids' minds with their mystical incense and hummus.  It's small, has a horrible selection, and is congested with filthy hippies.

I'm therefore stuck with Plan B: The Baptist health food store.  It's definitely a better-run business, but is so "in yo face" with the Baptistness that it's an unpleasant shopping experience.  I confess, I unintentionally find myself wearing my most profane t-shirts when I visit, clearly some deep psychological attempt to fight back.

colbert.gifI don't mind the Dr. Don Colbert crap everywhere so much, even though he's a lunatic (his posters/books have largely replaced Dr. Weil's in the store).  Posters, racks of crosses/Bibles, whatever, that's all fine; it's the goddamn STAFF that quickly irritates me.  All of the cashiers are Christian youth group types, decked out in Christian rock band shirts and such.  They know nothing of the merchandise, they're slow on the job, and they make me want to battle the Woodstockers over at the other store.

It seems so contradictory, mixing organic dog treats and The Lord.  I haven't researched the demographics, but Baptists aren't known for their desire to eat healthy.  In fact, as someone who's grown up in the South surrounded by Baptists, I'd go so far as to say they're unhealthy fat-asses.  Similarly, the customers in this store seem to be of the non-Baptist variety; I always see the owner of my favorite Indian (Bengali, technically) restaurant, for instance, and I don't imagine him tithing to the Baptists.  The clientele I've observed have been primarily A) gay/lesbian, B) Wiccan/vegetarian types, and C) old, old, old, old people.  The old people are usually buying vitamin supplements, so I suppose they could be the entire Baptist Base.

That strong "I need my pills to stay alive"smirk.gif following might explain the newest employee.  They've hired this kid who's taken the Baptist undertones up a notch by wearing much more explicit clothing.  While most of the cashiers are wearing t-shirts for some Christian band that I've never heard of, this guy is sporting the far more annoying & ridiculous t-shirt that says "Ask me about Easter."  Or, my favorite, "Kneeling is good for your standing."  You're not the one-sentence-sermon sign in front of a church, dude.  You make minimum wage bagging frozen free-range buffalo meat for a sodomite (me) at a health food store. 

He always has slight condescending smirk on his face, too, which is especially delightful to me because he is also very, very, very gay.  Baptist Gay, as it's known.  I hope that smirk is branded on when he's roasting in his Baptist Hell after getting AIDS from a truck stop glory hole.

I miss the good ol' days, when these people just came to your house and rang the bell.  "Let's discuss Salvation!  Yay!"  At least then you could turn them away.  I'm forced to keep going back for more; at least, if I want my soy cheese frozen pizzas.  Soy cheese frozen pizzas… blessed by the Lord.